Rooney To DC? RIP By: Stan Whyte

April 24th, 2005. You should remember the day like it was yesterday. I sure do.

Newcastle United were visiting the Theatre of Dreams that afternoon in a Premier League showdown. Wayne Rooney’s form was not his best as he picked up a knock in the first half of the match that day. By the 56th minute, Brazilian import Kleberson was about to replace the young number 10.


One minute later? The goal of the season was scored and Manchester had witnessed a moment of pure brilliance. Rooney’s first time strike from outside the box went top bins.


13 years later he didn’t see the pitch for his hometown club in Merseyside. Rooney wasn’t even a sub for Everton’s end of season clash with West Ham United. Sam Allardyce rescued the Toffees from embarrassment while simultaneously reducing Rooney’s role on the club. By March he was a mere substitute. By the end of the year? Not even on the bench.


Enter DC United shelling out upwards of $13m USD for Rooney’s services this summer.


Are we sure the MLS isn’t a #RetirementLeague? I included RIP in the title of this post simply because once you leave the Premiership, or any of the 5 major leagues in Europe, for North America, your career is effectively over.


Victory Lap time. Where you’re celebrated by unintelligent “fans” who are just happy they get to see you in front of their eyes. They get to watch you play meaningless “fixtures” in a closed league. A ponzi scheme/cash cow ran by “The Soccer Don” aka Don Garber. The man fleeces these unintelligent fans to stuff his pockets and lavish his Long Island home.


Go ahead. Make Garber even more rich. I’m good.

As of 4/28/18, DC United played 7 matches, conceded 13 goals and amassed just 5 points in the woeful Eastern Conference. Dead. Last. And we’re supposed to celebrate Rooney’s arrival here? NASL anyone? Cryuff, Pele, Beckenbauer then.

Beckham, Lampard, Rooney NOW.

Can we just take a hot second to also shoutout the shady nature of DC United CEO Jason Levien? The man also co-owns Swansea City AFC. Yeah. The same Swans who were just relegated from the PL last weekend. The same Swans who sold Gylfi Sigurdsson to Everton FC for a club record £40m. Now Levien gets to splurge some of that cash and give the Toffees some of that Swansea money back to EFC? For a washed CF/CAM/CDM/LB, (seriously he played all of those positions this year), who can’t even go 6 months without embarrassing himself in public?


If I’m a Swans supporter, and I know a few, I’d be pissed. Screw pissed I’d be at the Liberty threatening to burn that mother down.

#RooneyToMLS is a travesty. Just like #ZlatanToLA. Just like the rest of the Euro-Stars coming over to America for one last paycheck.

I pray to the football gods Iniesta doesn’t come too.


Questions? Comments? Concerns? You can find me on Twitter @realwhytedudeFC.

Just tread lightly because as a wise striker once said, “Chat shit, get banged.”

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