The Penis Debacles

So I had the hardest (lol penis humor) time thinking of a title for these absolutely ridiculous stories that I am going to tell you now. Two individual stories about football, and two individual punishments for involving their love members. Please enjoy this interesting journey with me because Football ladies and gentlemen can truly take you anywhere.

 

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Our first incident begins in France a crisp November evening. A scuffle breaks out between the two rival Amateur clubs SC Terville and AS Soetrich. These clubs are only located 10 minutes apart from one another so its a nice in town rivalry. As the fight begins to escalate the victim, a member of SC Terville goes in to break the fight up and that’s when it happened.

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AS Soetrich player (don’t ask me how it got put in this situation) takes a big old bite at the helpless Tervile player who was just trying to break up the fight. He takes a nice hunk out of the man’s member who was then rushed immediately to the hospital. This was no accidental bite, this was a straight up shark attack. The bite was so vicious it required 12 stitched . Imagine seeing a thread and needle going down to your twig and berries YIKES. He ended up getting 4 days off from work, the biter’s club was fined 200 Euros, and the player was banned for 5 years from the league.

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Now my initial reaction to this story wasn’t why did he do it, why was he so angry, what compelled him to go full savage. No, no I want to know how he did it. Like not only is kneeling in front of another man’s midsection one of the most embarrassing moves even by accident, but how did you manage to get such a significant chunk out of this man. Did he whip it out? Was this through his pants? This entire story does not add up so many details are missing. Good news is everyone is now healthy, this guy has the most killer scar of all time cause we all know chicks dig scars, and my man has been banned for 5 years. Should it have been a lifetime ban? Yeah it definitely should of this guy just tried to end another mans lineage.

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If you do not believe me check out the sports illustrated article on the situation. Here.

Next story I got I probably should of started with since it is much less gruesome. However I got your attention now don’t I? Alright so this next story takes us to good old England. It is a beautiful FA Cup Tuesday night we have New Castle taking on Oxford United and it is coming down to the wire. At 2-2 we are looking for the break through in this match. Allan Saint-Maximin breaks for a run off the wing beats the defenders and send a missile into the back of the net for a 3-2 New Castle victory. You would think the goal would be the headline of the match but NO. As Saint-Maximin ran to the sideline to celebrate a member of the Toon Army took it upon himself to pull out his johnson and swing it around like a helicopter. Unfortunately for him it is 2020 and the cameras were rolling from everywhere. tenor-1.gif Police are obviously now investing the fan or indecent exposure on top of a bunch of other bullsh*t charges. They even had a hoax going that he was banned for life. Listen if the man takes his piece out on national television in the cold then I think he is going to receive enough of a punishment from friends, family, and the internet. Allan Saint-Maximin was one of the first people to take a shot at the bloke.

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Now obviously a bit of a cheap shot but well deserved for ruining his goal celebrations. I hope Saint-Maximin can have the same effect undressing defenses for the rest of the season as he had with this fan.

 

Written by: Anthony “Young Leg” Shopa (@aYoungLeg)

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